Giving In
by heiimel
Summary: Never would such monstrosity touch such innocence.    The iron-clad word constricted in his silent chest, squeezing the heart that no longer did beat. Anguish ripped through him.    Never.


He doesn't understand.

This was the thought ripping through her mind as she leapt from the curling porch. She only faltered for a beat upon her landing, then tripped quickly across the lush, sodden lawn.

Bella

No

He was by her side in an instant.

Bella please.

No.

Bella, I am doing this for your safety and my own sanity. Please respect that.

No.

She slammed the heavy pickup door closed on his rationale, closed it on any sensibility threatening to break open within her.

He didn't want her.

Rejection washed through her like a nausea. And she knew he could very well have ripped the cab door open and pried her out, and shushed her tears. But the argument was an old one. And the tears would come again unbidden. Sooner or later, they always came. It was just another chapter in the miserable text. His compelling golden eyes followed the Chevy's tail lights until they were well beyond the average range of vision. Then, and only then did he, with a deep sigh, drop to his knees in the swampy yard, and stare at his hands in vain, scorning his inability to love the one he so cherished, cursing his marble figure and vicious capabilities. It had driven a wedge over the past months, and the cracks were beginning to deeply show. He wanted her. There was no denial in that claim. But to have her? No. He shut the thought out of his mind with a grief quite unlike any he had before experienced.

Never.

Never would such monstrosity touch such innocence.

The iron-clad word constricted in his silent chest, squeezing the heart that no longer did beat. Anguish ripped through him.

Never.

Bella pulled off the road somewhere near—

She spotted a sign and hung her head out of the foggy window.

Jesus.

Oregon.

Dirt and gravel crunched under her wheels with a mixed garble. She slammed the pickup into park and promptly thunked her head into the steering wheel. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

She'd have a welt.

She didn't care.

What was she doing?

Her face was sticky and dry, salty with the carved paths of many tears. But they'd come and gone long before—

Where was she?

She dug a map out from under the driver's seat.

For two and a half hours, she'd followed Route 5 all the way down to Route 405 and now—

Portland.

She wilted, letting her head thunk back to the wheel.

Portland.

Portland?

Jesus.

She lifted her head just long enough to assess her surroundings.

Forest.

Dripping greenery.

Great.

One last tear slipped unbidden down her cheek and quivered on her chin, before falling to the tattered map balanced on her thigh.

She wasn't the kind of person to drive for hours. She checked her gas gauge and groaned.

That was probably why. The pick-up guzzled gas like Chardonay.

Dusk was falling, she saw miserably. A thought rocked her. Edward hadn't come. Unlike every time before when she had stormed off, furious at his insistence for chastity. Furious at herself for allowing her ego to tank itself every time he refused her. He didn't want her.

Didn't want her.

She was ugly and disgusting and—

With a sob she broke off the thought, knowing it for the rubbish it was. But it still burned. Burned at her in a way she'd never fathomed.

Unwanted.

Ugly.

Undesirable.

She forced herself to quit the foolish sobbing. It wasn't his fault. It was purely situational.

Yet she couldn't shake the nausea.

It made her want to run. Run faster than she ever had before, to escape the rejection pooling in her abdomen. It was ridiculous, but true all the same. She steeled herself and wrenched the pick-up into drive, and found the road once more.

She managed to find a pay-phone before dark, and she made two calls.

One. The perfunctory call to Charlie ended with arrangements made for her at a nearby Inn upon his insistence.

Bella, I don't want you getting lost at night in a strange town. Just stay. I'll pull some strings.

And that was that.

The second call was to Edward.

It ended with more tears.

I need some time. She whispered at last into the receiver, then hung up.

It felt as if wings were beating within her breast as she pulled away from the dripping booth and into a Shell station across the street to refill. Paying the machine a few minutes later, she hung up the pump and checked her watch. Nine.

She felt—free.

Free of the ongoing pain. Still hurt, and missing him, she noted. But somehow freer.

It was exquisite. The brightly lit lot was empty. Despite herself, she lifted her face to the rain and felt the chill drops purify her, extricate her from the ongoing battle for the demolition of her heart. Breaking away, she levered herself back into the cab and rolled off, intent on finding the Inn Charlie's friend ran. However, before she hit the end of the parking lot, her passenger door was swung wide and a dark figure jumped in, slamming the door. Bella screamed, the car swerving to the left. A hand lashed out to steady her wheel.

"Jeez, Bells. You scare easy."

"Wh-wh-Jacob?" He flashed an easy smile, dim in the light. Panic boiled into anger and Bella slammed on the brakes. The boy smashed his nose on the dash.

"OW! BELLA!"

"What is it that you think you're doing?" She screeched. "Why are you in OREGON?"

"Why did you slam on the BRAKES?"

"Because you're a JERK!"

"Why am I the JERK?"

"Because you jumped into my speeding PICK-UP you MORON!" He snorted.

"Three miles an hour is hardly speeding, Bella."

"Why are you in OREGON?" She demanded again.

"Why did you slam on the BRAKES?"

"Because you're a JERK!"

"Why am I the JERK?"

"We are not having the same argument we just had four seconds ago!" Bella shrieked. "Answer me!"

"FINE! Looking for a 1999 Toyota Camry Carborator. Happy?"

"In OREGON?"

"I'm sorry, who's the resident car tech here?"

"In OREGON?"

"Well.."

"IN OREGON, Jake?" He shrugged somewhat sheepishly.

"Ok, so maybe Charlie called me-"

"He WHAT?"

"Ok, can you stop flipping out?" He motioned to the wheel and Bella began to drive. "The first part was true, I WAS in Oregon on important manly automotive business." Bella rolled her eyes. Jacob ignored her. "BUT apparently you went MIA after a drive to.. the sucker's. And then resurfaced in Oregon not too long after-" Only now could Bella detect the subtle chords of anxiety in his voice. "And—Charlie was worried." He sat back, crossing his arms over a heavily muscled chest. "Want to tell me what's up? Or are you going to screech some more. 'Cause, you know, I'm always up for that." She thwacked his arm.

"Done screeching. I think."

"Good." He stretched out as much as he could manage in the cramped cab, his long legs audibly knocking against the glove box. "So where are we staying?"

"Where are we WHAT?"

"Screeching, Bells."

"WE are not STAYING anywhere. I am going to an Inn whose owner Charlie is buddies with. YOU are morphing to puppy dog and loping home." Jake made enormously sad eyes, sticking his lip out in mock hurt. "Don't even START with me, Jacob Black. You'd be home before midnight." Jake's pathetic pout slipped into an easy grin and he sucked air between his teeth.

"Harsh, Bells. Harsh."

"Well I'm sick of everyone trying to take care of me." She snapped. Jake recognized the double meaning of her words.

"Do you want to talk?" He said quietly.

"NO I don't want to TALK!"

"Bells…"

"Screeching. I know. It will stop sooner or later."

"Will it?" He teased.

"JAKE." He made a face and slid down in his seat.

"Later, apparently."

"Be quiet."

"Yes, Ma'am." They both sighed and continued the ride in silence. Bella flicked on the radio, and it smoothed into a Vanessa Carlton song, a wavering affair that Bella recognized immediately. She knew she should turn off the melancholy, saddening music before it got to her. She didn't. And Jake, strangely enough, didn't complain about, 'girly music.' He just sat in the darkness. And stared ahead.

Once upon a year gone by

she saw herself give in

every time she closed her eyes

she saw what could have been

Bella pursed her lips.

well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds

when covers tucked in tight

funny when the bottom drops

how she forgets to fight... to fight

She saw herself between the winding lyrics. Wasting away where it almost seemed as if she wasn't wanted. She knew it wasn't the truth, but close enough.

As darkness quickly steals the light

that shined within her eyes

she slowly swallows all her fear

and soothes her mind with lies

She wasn't going to start crying again. It was not an option. But what scared her more was that even though the tears weren't coming now, today, they would come again. And she could plot their course down to the last minute. When she saw Edward again. The blessing and the curse of his presence. She could only last so long. And she felt the strings of their Eden beginning to fray. He was all she could ever want. But she felt trapped.

And it's one more day in paradise

one more day in paradise

it's one more day in paradise

one last chance to feel alright... alright

She clutched the steering wheel, white knuckled. She had to get a grip. She saw Jacob glance at her, then stab the power button, cloaking the cab in silence. Bella took a shuddering breath and took the next exit, the one that would bring them to the Glen Inn.

She threw a look at Jacob.

"You're really coming with me?"

"Bella I'm not going home. It's already eleven thirty." In a surprisingly gentle gesture, he ruffled her hair. "It's gonna be okay, Kid." Bella was only thrown for a moment.

"Kid? I'm sorry, but who's the oldest here?"

"I believe that would be, 'Eldest,' Ms. GrammarFreak."

"Look, just because I like to read…"

"Wuthering Heights, guhh." He pretended to gag himself.

"Like you'd know. You probably used it as a pillow in English."

"I got to through the first.."

"Page?" Bella interjected.

"Roughly." Bella shook her head, fighting a wry smile as she swung the Chevy wide to roll into the parking lot. She found a spot and slammed the truck into park. She sat for a moment, listening to the engine idle. She craned her neck to face Jacob. He was munching intently on something. She couldn't tell what, though, in the half-light of the lot's floods.

"What're you eating?"

"Um. Granola bar."

"Please tell me it wasn't the one in the glovebox."

"Okay. I won't."

"Ew, Jake! It's been in this truck since Charlie GAVE it to me!"

"I know. I put it there when I was working on it with Billy."

"You WHAT?"

"Screeching, bells."

"I am not! And you have to admit, even for a pubescent werewolf," She pointed at the offending power bar. " . . that's still pretty gross." With that he swallowed the last bite. "Bleuurgh." Bella gagged, scrunching up her nose. She suddenly realized that Jake's antics were probably entirely for her benefit, trying to cheer her up. She couldn't even summon the energy to feel annoyed. She just felt . . safe. And slightly cheered. So she let it go. "C'mon." She wobbled unsteadily to the ground. "I'm exhausted." Jake's door slammed and he was at her side, locking her door and steadying her. She found her eyes growing heavier by the moment. She really was worn out, the emotions of the day abruptly taking their collective toll.

"C'mon." Jake coaxed. She let herself be led into the complex's office, and mumbled her way through the checking in procedure. A few odds look from the clerk and just as many minutes later found boy and girl trekking up a flight of darkened outer stairs to their room. It was humble, but comfortable, and Bella collapsed into the nearest of the two beds. They didn't even bother turning on the lights, just shut the door.

"Own bed." She mumbled into the pillow as she struggled out of her jacket. "Mine." She kicked off her shoes, already feeling the faint stirrings of sleep misting about her. Jake kicked off his shoes as well and slid into the second bed.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Mmmmmmmmm."

"What?"

"Mnnmmnh."

"What?"

"Mnh."

"Nevermind. Goodnight, Bella."

"Nini Acob." Despite her exhaustion, after dozing a few minutes, Bella found that she could not sleep. Too much had happened. She needed time to think. She lay on her back and listened to the gentle sounds of Jacob settling into deep sleep. She peeled off her socks and sweater, leaving her jeans and shirt. Not the best sleepwear but she wasn't complaining. Her body ached, and all she wanted to do was drift off. But there was far too much going on in her head, thoughts racing wildly, from Edward to Charlie to herself and back again. She closed her eyes and pushed her hair back. Maybe a shower would help. She emerged from the bathroom not too long after, still in the same clothes, but feeling significantly better. Even better was the thought that maybe she had left a pair of sweatpants in her car from gym on Friday. In a much better state of mind than she had been in for months, she tiptoed past a now-snoring Jake, snagged her keys off the table and headed down to the truck. She was disappointed to find only a pair of shorts, but they would suffice. She also grinned at the sight of her favorite hoodie in the backseat. Small miracles. She stuffed them under her arm and locked the truck, then turned back to the Inn. And screamed. Edward moved to hush her. She broke into ragged gasping.

"Bella, Bella." He sighed, his eyes wary. "It's me, love."

"D-don't call me love right now." She quavered. "Okay?" His gaze fell.

"If it upsets you, then I won't." She clutched her things to her chest. He sighed again. "You're with . . the dog."

"Not by design. But yes." He considered this.

"It seems as though there are many strikes against me."

"Yes." She whispered, the two sides of her warring so violently within that she shook. The one side that wanted nothing more than his embrace, the other one that wasn't quite so charitable.

"I want you to be happy, Bella." He said in a pained whisper.

"I don't know what will make me happy." She sobbed, her chest aching for the umpteenth time today. When would she stop feeling this way?

"You should . . . find out." He murmured. He stopped to brush her cheek with his cold, cold fingers. She wanted so badly to return the touch. But her arms stayed defiantly locked across her chest. He dropped his hand, now wet with her flowing tears. "I love you, Bella." With that, he was gone.

"I love you too." She choked out into the empty night air. Shaking, she fell to her knees, wet hair clinging to her face. Her sobs were ragged and harsh, ripping out of her chest and into the silence.


End file.
